Different Pens, Different Writing Episode 1: Climatic Introduction
Hi everyone, it’s me The Good Writer, so I know that last time the peeps told you guys that my writing has turned boring and stuff like, don’t worry I took care of them so we are here to start to tell you guys what I did. I just thanked them for giving their honest opinion and yes Writer’s Block is very common for people like me so I have no choice. I have nothing else to say, let us dive straight in.
Instructions:
Look at the writing and spot if there are any errors in writing. (by right there should not be but still check, thanks!)
Read the whole story one more time.
Think of a rating out of 30 marks how many marks would you give to the author.
Think of some comments to give this writer for improvement. (no mean comments please :))
Send the rating and comments to The Good Writer via the comments section of the blog post or via WhatsApp, you should know my number.
Lastly, I would like to thank all of you for your ongoing support.
<< A Betrayal>>
Name: Anonymous
Writing type: Narrative
“I never want to see you ever again!” I shouted and slammed the friendship bracelet with my name engraved on it on the table. The beads scattered and rolled down the table, bounced and came to a halt. I stormed out of the room with bloodshot, teary eyes and not once had I turned back.
I recounted the incidents that happened in the past few days. It was my birthday party that day and I woke up bright and early to prepare for my birthday party later in the day. I was in a good mood and walked with a light cadence in my step, humming the birthday song with a smile on my face. Soon after, the doorbell rang and knowing that it must have been my best friend I bolted to the door and opened it immediately. True enough, it was my best friend, Kayla, standing there with a broad smile on her face. She handed me a coveted light-blue rectangular box and squealed excitedly, “Happy birthday, Jolin! Hope you will like my present.” She was urging me to reveal the present she had bought for me and as I cautiously opened the box, I saw a beautiful pink friendship bracelet with my name and hers on it. She then showed me that she was wearing the same bracelet on her wrist. Slowly, the other guests started arriving one by one. Before the party was about to end, my mother dragged me aside and said, “Sweetie, guess what I got for you? Two movie tickets to watch the new movie you have been eyeing recently. You can invite your best friend to watch it with you!” I nodded my head in excitement and hugged my mother tightly, thanking her profusely. I rushed out and asked Kayla, “Would you like to watch a movie with me over the weekend?” She grinned and nodded her head elatedly.
The very next day at school, there was a new girl who joined our class. “Hi everyone, my name is Claire and I hope to make friends with all of you.” Our form teacher then allocated Claire to an empty seat beside Kayla. They hit it off very well and soon they were smiling and chatting. I felt a tinge of jealousy, however, I reminded myself to be understanding as Claire might probably need the assistance around the school, and that it would be great to have a friend to accompany her. Anyways, I will have Kayla all to myself this Sunday, I thought, reassuring myself.
Sunday came, and the day before, I was so excited for the movie date that I hardly slept. I bounced like a happy Easter bunny all the way to the shopping mall and there was a lilt in my every step. However, when the movie started, there was no sign of Kayla. Halfway through the show, I kept turning around, wondering if Kayla had taken the wrong seat, however, there was still no sign of her even after the movie. My mood was dampened and dragged my feet home. Just then, I saw Kayla’s mother on my way home and she was on a phone call. “I would like to thank your daughter, Claire, for inviting Kayla to the theme park today. She is such a sweetheart.” Realisation dawned upon me that Kayla had ignored the movie date with me and went to the theme park with Claire instead. Blood was boiling with hatred in my veins and tears trickled down my face uncontrollably. I ran all the way home, hands in my face.
The very next day, Kayla and Claire walked into class, hand in hand, laughing and talking. I glared at them and stormed to Kayla’s table, slamming the friendship bracelet on the table. I shouted in rage, “If you do not even have the decency to tell me that you did not want to hang out with me, you do not deserve to be my friend!” Tears welled up in Kayla’s eyes and she was stuttering, mouthing numerous apologies. However, they were unable to erase the fury in my heart, With one final glare, I turned tail and stormed away.
From then on, I never talked to Kayla ever again and told myself to be wary of fake friends and keep a distance from them. Real friends are the ones who make you truly happy and content with yourself. I also learnt that a real friends is hard to find so I have to always cherish them.
“A penny for your thoughts, sweetheart?”My mother entered my room and sat beside me tucking me into bed. That night, I fell into a fitful sleep.
The Good Writer’s comments:
Overall an excellent writing that uses different vocabulary and is the progress through the story is clearly shown in the writing. However, I am at a loss as I don't really know if this is really considered a story about “BETRAYAL”.
Paragraph 1: The first sentence is actually a perfect opening sentence which piques the reader’s interests just after reading the first sentence, which technically starts the story at the climax and greatly improves the first impression for the reader. There are also vivid descriptions in the sentences written.
Paragraph 2: I noticed that this paragraph is a little long and can be split into two paragraphs but it is fine. I am quite impressed with the sense impressions used in paragraph 2. For example “coveted light-blue rectangular box” shows the look of the box and this shows that this box is important and significant to the story. Vocabulary is used quite proficiently in the writing development.
Paragraph 3: There is a mild foreshadowing of the rising action e.g. “tinge of jealousy”, this shows that maybe something bad is going to happen as the protagonist in the story is a little jealous.
Paragraph 4: Quite beautifully described before and after described by the author and shows the difference between the protagonist’s feelings before the movie and after the movie. The last few sentences introduce the main idea of the story and the conflict carefully builds up and suspense also is at its high as the story slowly moves towards the climax. The protagonist is clearly feeling sad and angry.
Paragraph 5: It is the climax of the whole story and it shows the interaction between the former two best friends, Jolin and Kayla, which is quite tense and a series of arguments arise and in the end, Jolin has stopped being friends with Kayla, which is the end of the climax.
Paragraph 6: This paragraph has described the impact and aftermath of the incident and lessons learnt, which are quite important in any kind of narrative. The protagonist has clearly learnt her lesson to be wary of fake friends and be with more real friends.
Paragraph 7: I am quite satisfied with the content in this paragraph although it would be totally useless if not for paragraph 1. A lesson to all of you, if you are writing a flashback in a narrative, you should always snap back to reality so that you will not be stuck in the past, which could be quite a serious mistake if this paragraph was not included.
Anyways, I should end here, it is already about 12.30 a.m. in the morning. So what do you think about this compo, write your rating and comment in the comments section or DM it to me, it would definitely help!!! Thank you!
Note: I do not own this piece of writing, this writing is NOT TO BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
An odd kind of unrealistic.
The analysis is interesting.
The essay is juvenile though.