Different Pens, Different Writing Episode 2: WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?
Hi everyone, it’s me The Good Writer, so I know that last time the peeps told you guys that my writing has turned boring and stuff like, don’t worry I took care of them so we are here to start to tell you guys what I did. I just thanked them for giving their honest opinion and yes Writer’s Block is very common for people like me so I have no choice. I have nothing else to say, let us dive straight in.
Instructions:
Look at the writing and spot if there are any errors in writing. (by right there should not be but still check, thanks!)
Read the whole story one more time.
Think of a rating out of 30 marks how many marks would you give to the author.
Think of some comments to give this writer for improvement. (no mean comments please :))
Send the rating and comments to The Good Writer via the comments section of the blog post or via WhatsApp, you should know my number.
Lastly, I would like to thank all of you for your ongoing support.
OK... So I am very doomed, why you ask. Today, you will be able to bully me as you are going to see one of my past compositions and realise how stupid I could be in the past. You will see my first draft and my corrected one so that you can compare so you will know which one you should learn from. Nothing else to say, let's get into it...
First Draft: I WANT TO VOMIT English Composition 6- An Emergency
By: Yeoh Kai Bo (a.k.a. The Improving Writer)
12 June 2020
Para 1
I sat on the sofa. Turning on the television, I continuously switched from channel to channel. Seeing that there were no cartoons to watch, I whipped out my old, dented iPhone 12 and scrolled down my contacts list as I wanted to delete contacts since my parents were going to buy me a new iPhone 15 and I was lazy to transfer all the useless contacts. When I scrolled down to the J section of the contacts, I spotted a peculiar name--Jodie Yip. Jodie Yip, that name took me down my memory lane, I recounted that incident.
Para 2
After my grandmother had passed away, I moved on to Secondary 2 and made friends with a girl called called Jodie as she also studied Biology, I was her partner and we often walked back home together.
Para 3
On that one fateful day, I was taking a stroll back home, as usual, along with Jodie. I had invited her to my home for project work that Mr. Lim, our monotonous and boring Biology teacher gave. "Zoooom! Zoooom!" The nearly supersonic cars 'flew' forward at lightning speed. Finally the green light flashed. Jodie and I just walked with ease towards the other side of the road. Just then, a sports car, travelling nearly at the speed of light was speeding towards us. Without hesitation, Jodie shielded me like an angel.
Para 4
"BOOM!"
Para 5
Jodie's body was sent flying through the air and I was pushed down. My iPhone 12 was smashed against the ground. I pressed 995 on my phone and managed to call the ambulance. Having only able to move Jodie onto the pavement, then, it was darkness.
Para 6
I felt light when I regained consciousness. I thought to myself, "Am I dead?" I then heard a loud ringing in my head and my eyes cracked open. I instantly regretted that, the light piercing into my eyes was agonising. I closed my eyes again immediately, trying to block out the bright lights at the hospital. The nauseating smell of medicine flooded my nose. All of a sudden, I remembered everything. The spots car. Jodie. The whole car accident.
Para 7
"Hi, I am still alive." I whispered weakly. I could hear the footsteps of my parent reverberating as they sprinted towards my ward. Upon reaching my ward, I asked feebly "Is Jodie alright? Where is she? Did she get injured badly?" Due to my bombardment of questions, my parents answered them one by one. "The ambulance had come in the nick of time. Jodie would have died if she lost too much blood." My mother squeaked.
Para 8
"You wouldn't have gotten injured if you practised the kerb drill." My father added coldly. Jodie and I were discharged a month later but Jodie was now on a wheelchair . This emergency deeply reminded me the importance of road safety. I had learnt my lesson the hard way.
Para 9
"Kai Bo! Stop daydreaming and go revise for your Biology mock test tomorrow or you're not getting your iPhone 15!" My mother's orders brought me back to reality. Till this day, whenever I see Jodie in her wheelchair, I will always sigh.
Teacher's Comments on First Draft:
Para 5: Describe the state Jodie was in.
Para 7: "Hi, I am still alive."
2. This sentence sounded a little odd to be the first thing you would utter once regaining consciousness.
3. Your speech would likely be short as you were still weak.
4. Para 8: "You wouldn't have gotten injured if you practised the kerb drill." My father added coldly.
Do you think this is logical in real life. He should be more than thankful that you were alright.
5. Be careful of the use of punctuation in dialogues.
6. Para 9: How did you feel?
Overall Comments: Some good choices made. Read points 1. to 6. Be careful of the use of punctuation in dialogue.
("...lost too much blood," my mother said.)
This is a rather safe piece of writing that can be further developed. Develop more the inner workings of your character to make your story more interesting.
Content: 13/20
Language: 13/20
Total Score: 26/40
The Good Writer's Comments on First Draft
If you looked at the whole writing, you will see a whole lot of writing errors, grammatical; punctuation etc. However, now you can look at the Corrected version, with is also Draft 2.
Second Draft: The Good Writer Standard English Composition 6- An Emergency (Corrected)
By: Yeoh Kai Bo (a.k.a. The Improving Writer)
25 June 2020
Para 1
Sitting on the buttery-soft leather sofa, I turned on the television. I was furiously flipping channels on my remote control as that gave me something to do. Seeing that there were no cartoons to watch, I whipped out my old, trusty iPhone 12 and scrolled down my contacts list. I wanted to delete some contacts since my parents were going to buy me a new iPhone 15 and I was lazy to transfer all the useless contacts. When I scrolled down to the "J" section of the contacts, I spotted a particular name--Jodie Yip. Jodie Yip, that name took me down memory lane. I recounted that incident which took place two years ago.
Para 2
After my grandmother had passed away, I moved on to Secondary Two and made friends with a girl called Jodie as she also studied Biology, like me. I was her partner and we often walked back home together.
Para 3
On that one fateful day, I was taking a stroll back home, as usual, along with Jodie. I had invited her to my home for a project that Mr. Lim, our extremely strict Biology teacher had assigned us. "Zoooom! Zoooom!" Cars were zooming past us at lightning speed. Finally the green light flashed. Jodie and I walked with ease towards the other side of the road. Just then, a sports car, travelling nearly at breakneck speed was speeding towards us. Without hesitation, Jodie shielded me like an angel.
Para 4
"BOOM!"
Para 5
Jodie's body was sent flying into the air like a rag doll and I was pushed aside. My iPhone 12 was smashed against the ground. Looking beside me, Jodie was sprawled on the ground with a pool of blood surrounding her. She lay unconscious as I dialled "995" on my phone and managed to call the ambulance. Soon, I blacked out as well.
Para 6
I felt light when I regained consciousness. I thought to myself, "Am I dead?" I then heard a loud ringing in my head and my eyes cracked open. I instantly regretted that as the light piercing into my eyes was agonising. I closed my eyes again immediately, trying to block out the bright lights at the hospital. The nauseating smell of the medicine flooded my nose. All of a sudden, I remembered everything. The sports car. Jodie. The whole car accident.
Para 7
"Hi! Anyone?" I whispered weakly. I could hear the footsteps of my parents reverberating in the air as they sprinted towards my ward. Upon locking eyes with them, my parents' concerned faces came into focus. I asked feebly, "Is Jodie alright? Where is she? Was she severely injured?" Due to my bombardment of questions, my parents answered them one by one patiently. "The ambulance came in the nick of time. Jodie would have died if she lost too much blood," my mother explained.
Para 8
Jodie and I were discharged a month later but Jodie was confined to a wheelchair . This emergency deeply reminded me the importance of road safety. I had learnt my lesson the hard way.
Para 9
"Kai Bo! Stop daydreaming and revise for your Biology Mock Test tomorrow or you're not getting your iPhone 15!" My mother's booming voice brought me back to reality. Till this day, whenever I see Jodie in her wheelchair, my heart would ache. I crossed my fingers, hoping nothing unfortunate would happen to Jodie again.
So here is the end of Different Pens, Different Writing Episode 2. Very tedious writing, isn't it. My writings were rather crazy in Primary 6 due to the amounting stress as I prepared for PSLE and my writing was like one of the worst, considering my class was like pro at writing. Anyways, here I conclude today's episode. Remember to leave a comment or send a WhatsApp DM to me for any suggestions for the next episode or comments for this writing!...
See you guys soon...
-The Good Writer
Credits:
Teacher's Comments: Mrs. Yip (P6 Sincerity 2020 Form Teacher)
Drawings of sofa and car: Ze Yeeter (Current Team Designer of D&KB Writing)
Thanks to everyone for your support! <3
Just to note you still spelt "sports car" as "spots car" in your 2nd draft